Video games are not exactly known for subtle outfits for their characters. From ridiculously impractical space marine armour to, shall we say, less than protective female knight armour, there’s a long history of useless defensive attire. There’s a lot to be said for awesome looking costumes in this form of entertainment, but there’s also a line between looking cool and looking totally useless in a combat situation. This list is dedicated to those awful armours, those good-for-nothing guards, and those pointless protectives.
Some ground rules here. I’m looking for specific characters or specific sets of armours. Also, I could easily just list off every female armour set from fantasy games and have done with it, so I’m not allowing those. However, I am considering pretty much any outfit a character wears here, as video game characters are almost always heading into battle in some way. Let’s do this!
Arthur – Ghosts ‘n Goblins
That’s right, I’m starting with a proper, sensible looking set of armour! Arthur appears as a knight, heading into battle against undead hordes in all shapes and sizes, so a solid set of plate mail seems like a pretty good option. Surely such sturdy equipment would hold off the likes of zombies and bats for long enough for our hero to dispatch them.
Nope! Utterly useless. If anything so much as touches Arthur, his armour flies off, leaving him with just a pair of under-crackers to prevent death (and embarrassment). Is his armour designed so badly that it literally explodes upon first contact with an adversary? Surely a brave knight should have a better armourer to equip them before an adventure. Not Arthur though. He’s content to wear the cheapest piece of crap armour he can find. At least it seems to work slightly better in Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite.
Bayonetta – Bayonetta
You’re a badass witch, ready to head into a war between demons and angels. At least I think that was the plot, it’s been a while. Anyway, you’re wading in there with a variety of guns and your sweet kung-fu moves. Hellish and angelic adversaries are no pushovers though, so you might want to think about kitting yourself out with some first rate protection.
How about your own hair? Does that sound like a good defensive option? Sure it does! Magically have your hair create a skin tight body suit around you, that’s bound to hold off an axe swing or sword lunge. Don’t forget that your hair also acts as a weapon, so occasionally you’ll be fighting your opponents stark naked, so that’s good. It’s a good thing you can teleport around in slow motion or you’d never have a hope.
Battlegear of the Unblinking Vigil – World of Warcraft
You’re a hunter. Sneaking through the undergrowth, tracking your prey from the shadows, you approach them unseen. Nothing can prevent you from ambushing your adversary and claiming victory. So long as you remain invisible, they don’t stand a chance.
Good thing you’ve turned up in the bulkiest, brightest armour you could find! If the massive helmet or shoulder guards don’t give your away by bumbing into everything nearby, then the giant lightup faceguard will. Nothing says “hunter” quite like a bright blue light in the middle of your face as you’re hiding in the shadows. Useless.
Ivy – Soul Calibur
Alright, hands up anyone who say this one coming? It’s time to fight, one on one. Nowhere for anyone to hide. Your enemy draws their sword, you take out your bizarre sword/whip hybrid (because why not?) in readiness for the confrontation. It’s a good thing you got the best armour you could find, because this may wellbe a battle to the death.
Or, OR, you could just turn up wearing string and a pair of tights. It doesn’t matter if that leaves you utterly exposed to your enemy (and the elements, and possibly at risk of being arrested for public indecency) because string is totally able to stop swords! Honestly, of all the stupid armour sets in video games, this has to be the most useless piece of trash armour that’s in the game for one reason and one reason only. You know what it is. You don’t need me to spell it out…
Kratos – God of War
It’s time to avenge your family’s deaths in the only way you know how: by murdering god! That might sound like an insurmountable task, but you have all the skills you need, and the finest equipment you could want to confront the forces of the afterlife, whether heaven or hell. Well, you managed to get some decent weapons at least.
It seems in your rush to get into battle, you totally forgot to put any clothes on! Yes, it’s just like one of those nightmares where you turn up at school in nothing other than your pants, but this is so much worse. You can’t stab Zeus in the face wearing your underwear and nothing else! Not only do you need something with better defensive qualities than exposed skin, but there’s also the dignity aspect! I suppose at least you don’t need to worry about rust when fighting Poseidon…
A special mention here for Havel from Dark Souls for making his armour entirely out of rock. I bet that provides a hell of a lot of protection! Pity no-one would be able to move whilst wearing it. You’ll probably survive once your enemy gets bored, but it’s not much of a victory really.
And that’s it! Five (plus one) useless bits of armour. How about you? No, I’m not asking about your inappropriate armour! I’m curious about what game armours you’ve seen that aren’t fit for purpose. Let me know, I could do with a laugh!