Coin Dozer

I don’t go on a rant very often on here, but I utterly despise this app.  It represents the absolute worst of the mobile game market, and it manages this without really being a game at all.  From its rubbish concept to its shoddy quality, there’s absolutely nothing I can say is even remotely good about this “product”.  But first, here’s how I came to download this festering turd of a mobile app.

There may be harsh language ahead, so be warned.

I do have a few free mobile games that I enjoy.  Words With Friends is alright (although the power-ups kind of ruin the balance of the game), Dice Soccer City is pretty good fun, and World’s Biggest Picture Cross is not bad at all.  In fact I quite like the latter as I find pic-cross quite enjoyable as a puzzle type.  If you aren’t aware, pic-cross gives you a grid with numbers around the side telling you how many boxes in each row and column need to be filled to give you a picture.  They can be quite challenging, but they’re a nice, fun, and light puzzle for when you’ve got a spare few minutes.

Time for some sweet pic cross. Can you guess what it is yet?

In World’s Biggest Picture Cross you have an image obscured by 400 puzzles, and you need to solve them to slowly uncover it.  You unlock the puzzles by spending tokens that slowly refill over time.  So far, so mobile.  If you want, you can redo puzzles you’ve already completed s, watch adverts, or play other games to get tokens more quickly.  Wanting to get some more puzzles unlocked to play here and there, I picked a random game from the offers, and that’s how Coin Dozer came to be on my phone.  Thanks for the tokens I guess.

TAP HERE is pretty much the whole game. Well, that and GIMME MONEY!

Coin Dozer does not deserve to be called a game.  A game does not need challenge necessarily, but in my opinion it does need interaction and a goal of sorts.  This app has little of the former and none of the latter.  You know those machines that you put coins into so they push out more coins.  That’s what this is.  But the difference is that with the real machines, you can win actual money and maybe a couple of rubbish prizes whereas here you have absolutely no goal other than getting more coins to put into the machine to get more coins to pu…

I won a prize! What does it do? Fuck all!

That’s it.  There is absolutely no purpose to this other than to repeat the process until you run out of coins and need to wait for them to refill.  More annoying is that there are a ton of other systems in place that just serve to try to pad the game out.  You can get keys from the machine to open chests that give you power ups to repeat the process.  You can get prizes that increases your level that…well does nothing.  You can get puzzle pieces for no reason.  Honestly, the whole concept of this “game” makes me angry.  I’m not typing right now, I’m hitting the keys with barely hidden rage.

I opened a chest! What do the contents do? Fuck all!

This being a mobile game means we must have some of those sweet, sweet microtransactions to get more coins so you can continue to fill up the machine.  I don’t necessarily object to microtransactions in free games, but I feel nothing but revulsion for the ones presented here.  You can pay £1 for 50 coins which will last you all of 30 seconds.  Yes, those coins could get you more coins, but a pound will not last you more than a minute when playing this.  Further, adverts for the microtransactions will pop up at random, either at the sides of the display, or front and centre to take over the whole screen.  It’s constant milking of money for more coins, more premium currency, puzzle pices to drop sooner.  All this for what purpose?  What is the objective?  I genuinely can’t think of another game on any platform that has had any less of a reason to exist other than to hoover up money than this.

What’s that? You’re in the middle of tapping to drop some coins? WELL HOW ABOUT AN ADVERT?!

I don’t swear often on here, but this is a piece of fucking shit, and I can’t believe it has the success that it does.  It has a 4.6/5 rating on the app store, and is ranked #1 in the casino catagory.  And there are even tons of different versions of the same thing!  From the same team!  How does this exist?!  People are free to enjoy whatever they want (assuming its legal!) but the developers of this should be ashamed of themselves.  At least Candy Crush and its ilk have the puzzle element to it, regardless of how fair it is.  This has nothing but my utter loathing.

Oh look, the same game with a pirate theme. And a ghost theme. Why are these not a timed thing in the main game?

Coin Dozer was developed by some people probably.  I didn’t play the game because this isn’t a game on my iPhone, and I recommend you burn any electronic device that comes into contact with this piece of garbage.  Still, thanks for the tokens though I suppose.