So, I rather recently I wrote about completely inappropriate armour in video games. From mail that falters at the first hunt of an enemy, to armour that’s barely even there, there were more than a few useless defensive options. But this is video games! It’s not all about hiding in an impenetrable shell! Sometimes you need to go on the offensive! But perhaps not with the options below…
By the way, I normally endeavour to keep the language in this blog clean, but this time I just couldn’t manage, so there are a couple of crude words ahead.
Here we have five completely awful pieces of offensive ordinance. Some ground rules though! It’s not necessarily the case that these are weak (although some are!), more that they aren’t something that would be suitable to take into battle. Also, none of these are designed with the sole purpose of being bad weapons, so no Giant’s Knife here folks! Let’s get on with this!
Hair – Bayonetta
Oh hey, look who’s back! Fresh from the inappropriate armour list, Bayonetta is here for inappropriate weapons too. They say the best defence is a strong offence. I’m not sure who they were, but I’m not entirely sure they had this in mind. In case you’re not aware, Bayonetta’s main form of defence is a figure hugging outfit made entirely out of her own hair. Said hair is also one of her main methods of attack.
So picture the scene! You’re being overwhelmed by demons and angels Bayying (see what I did there?!) for your blood! You have guns in your hands (and on your feet because video games) and youuseless armour protecting you. So obviously the first thing you’d do is turn your hair-based body armour into a hairy magic foot to kick your enemies. Even if it is magic, you’re literally fighting demons with hair. HAIR! Someone thought this was a sensible means of attack…
Leaf Shield – Mega Man 2
Deadly robot masters are rampaging throughout the city! Chaos reigns thanks to the evil Dr. Wily’s crazed designs! Thankfully, we have the super fighting robot Mega Man! He’ll take them down, bring Wily to justice, and save us all through his powerful weapons, such as the Mega Buster, the Metal Blade, and the…Leaf Shield.
Look, I know it’s not actually a bad weapon in the game, but put it into context for a moment. You’re going to confront a hardened, metallic death machine and you plan on defeating it by throwing small pieces of foliage in their general direction. Personally, I’d probably want to ride in on some sort of battle tank made of death lasers. But that’s just me, and I’ve never saved the world from killer robots…
Dildo Bat (no, I’m not typing its proper name) – Saints Row series
Ugh. Look, I’m sorry. I’m genuinely sorry. I didn’t want to include this, but how could I not. It’s a baseball bat. With a comically oversized sex toy strapped to the end of it. Is there anything less appropriate than that?
Sticking on theme though, Saint’s Row is pretty damn silly as a series about gang warfare and aliens or something. Here’s the thing, if your going to get involved in a turf war, would you be turning up with a set of actual weapons, or a stick with a hilarious willy glued onto it? I suppose your enemies may die laughing? Was that the goal of this cock-topped cudgel (I’m pretty proud of that one)? Perhaps, but even then it would be pretty useless.
The Old Woman – Worms series
Two teams face off over a chaotic battleground. Rockets fly, air strikes…strike, and the terrain gradually collapses into the deadly sea beneath. Those worms are tough, and shrug off a shotgun blast with a pithy one-liner. It takes something pretty powerful to put these worms underground, so it’s a damn good thing you brought your old woman with you.
Now, the old woman is incredibly powerful. When she strikes, the damage is pretty high and can cause a lot of harm to worms and environment alike. The inappropriate aspect of this weapon is that fact that you’re sending a zimmer frame weilding, explosive lady to her death with the goal of killing a bunch of annelids. What sort of monster are you?!
Mr Toots – Red Faction: Armageddon
An oppressive regime has taken over the planet Mars, leaving colonists and workers with terrible existences. The resistance grows to take down the totalitarian state and free the populace by exploding everything. Literally everything. See that building? Smash out those supports and bring it down! That structure? Blow up the load bearing pillars and watch it collapse! Want to smash that statue into that factory? Pull out the magnet gun and drag them together! Need to destroy everything in your path? Fire off a unicorn!
Yes, a unicorn. In this grim, brutal future, the only thing that can free the people is a unicorn that shits deadly, deadly rainbows. Mr. Toots (yes, it has a name too) is a secret weapon in Red Faction: Armageddon and is utterly devestating to everything it’s rainbows hit. It’s also devestating to it’s own bum based on the expression on its face when you pull the trigger. Which makes me question…what exactly is its trigger?
Some honourable mentions, as ever. Earthworm Jim using himself as a whip can’t be terribly comfortable. Wakka’s blitzball in Final Fantasy X is essentially a burly man throwing a ball in a monster’s face. Painful perhaps, but hardly a weapon of war. Cloud’s sword in Final Fantasy VII would break his spindly little arms as soon as he tried to swing it. The Cerebral Bore from Turok 2 was just silly. Why kill an enemy the conventional way when you can have an explosive drill into their brain and then explode? I suppose that was really more a weapon of that era of gaming. Everything had to be silly!
What weapons would you find utterly useless? I’m sure there are plenty more that I didn’t think of that are more likely to harm you than your enemy, or are horribly unsuited to combat. Let me know!