5 Utterly Inappropriate Video Game Attires

Who wouldn’t want to ride into battle wearing a thong?


Video games are not exactly known for subtle outfits for their characters.  From ridiculously impractical space marine armour to, shall we say, less than protective female knight armour, there’s a long history of useless defensive attire.  There’s a lot to be said for awesome looking costumes in this form of entertainment, but there’s also a line between looking cool and looking totally useless in a combat situation.  This list is dedicated to those awful armours, those good-for-nothing guards, and those pointless protectives.

Some ground rules here.  I’m looking for specific characters or specific sets of armours.  Also, I could easily just list off every female armour set from fantasy games and have done with it, so I’m not allowing those.  However, I am considering pretty much any outfit a character wears here, as video game characters are almost always heading into battle in some way.  Let’s do this!

Arthur – Ghosts ‘n Goblins

Ghosts n Goblins

That’s right, I’m starting with a proper, sensible looking set of armour!  Arthur appears as a knight, heading into battle against undead hordes in all shapes and sizes, so a solid set of plate mail seems like a pretty good option.  Surely such sturdy equipment would hold off the likes of zombies and bats for long enough for our hero to dispatch them.

Ghosts n Goblins
You can look as tough as you like, we both know that armour falls off the second something so much as tickles you.

Nope!  Utterly useless. If anything so much as touches Arthur, his armour flies off, leaving him with just a pair of under-crackers to prevent death (and embarrassment).  Is his armour designed so badly that it literally explodes upon first contact with an adversary?  Surely a brave knight should have a better armourer to equip them before an adventure.  Not Arthur though.  He’s content to wear the cheapest piece of crap armour he can find.  At least it seems to work slightly better in Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite.

Bayonetta – Bayonetta

Bayonetta logo

You’re a badass witch, ready to head into a war between demons and angels.  At least I think that was the plot, it’s been a while.  Anyway, you’re wading in there with a variety of guns and your sweet kung-fu moves.  Hellish and angelic adversaries are no pushovers though, so you might want to think about kitting yourself out with some first rate protection.

Yes, yes, that’s all very impressive. But you’re trying to avoid being murdered by using YOUR HAIR!

How about your own hair?  Does that sound like a good defensive option?  Sure it does!  Magically have your hair create a skin tight body suit around you, that’s bound to hold off an axe swing or sword lunge.  Don’t forget that your hair also acts as a weapon, so occasionally you’ll be fighting your opponents stark naked, so that’s good.  It’s a good thing you can teleport around in slow motion or you’d never have a hope.

Battlegear of the Unblinking Vigil – World of Warcraft

world of warcraft logo

You’re a hunter.  Sneaking through the undergrowth, tracking your prey from the shadows, you approach them unseen.  Nothing can prevent you from ambushing your adversary and claiming victory.  So long as you remain invisible, they don’t stand a chance.

Battlegear of the Unblinking Vigil
Yeah, no one will notice you sneaking up on them eh?

Good thing you’ve turned up in the bulkiest, brightest armour you could find!  If the massive helmet or shoulder guards don’t give your away by bumbing into everything nearby, then the giant lightup faceguard will.  Nothing says “hunter” quite like a bright blue light in the middle of your face as you’re hiding in the shadows.  Useless.

Ivy – Soul Calibur

soul calibur logo

Alright, hands up anyone who say this one coming?  It’s time to fight, one on one.  Nowhere for anyone to hide.  Your enemy draws their sword, you take out your bizarre sword/whip hybrid (because why not?) in readiness for the confrontation.  It’s a good thing you got the best armour you could find, because this may wellbe a battle to the death.

Soul Calibur
Perfectly reasonable attire for a sword fight

Or, OR, you could just turn up wearing string and a pair of tights.  It doesn’t matter if that leaves you utterly exposed to your enemy (and the elements, and possibly at risk of being arrested for public indecency) because string is totally able to stop swords!  Honestly, of all the stupid armour sets in video games, this has to be the most useless piece of trash armour that’s in the game for one reason and one reason only.  You know what it is.  You don’t need me to spell it out…

Kratos – God of War

god of war logo

It’s time to avenge your family’s deaths in the only way you know how: by murdering god!  That might sound like an insurmountable task, but you have all the skills you need, and the finest equipment you could want to confront the forces of the afterlife, whether heaven or hell.  Well, you managed to get some decent weapons at least.

Kratos God of War
Is your resolution to become MASSIVELY SHREDDED?

It seems in your rush to get into battle, you totally forgot to put any clothes on!  Yes, it’s just like one of those nightmares where you turn up at school in nothing other than your pants, but this is so much worse.  You can’t stab Zeus in the face wearing your underwear and nothing else!  Not only do you need something with better defensive qualities than exposed skin, but there’s also the dignity aspect!  I suppose at least you don’t need to worry about rust when fighting Poseidon…

A special mention here for Havel from Dark Souls for making his armour entirely out of rock.  I bet that provides a hell of a lot of protection!  Pity no-one would be able to move whilst wearing it.  You’ll probably survive once your enemy gets bored, but it’s not much of a victory really.

Havel the Rock
You literally can’t walk in that can you Havel?


And that’s it!  Five (plus one) useless bits of armour.  How about you?  No, I’m not asking about your inappropriate armour!  I’m curious about what game armours you’ve seen that aren’t fit for purpose.  Let me know, I could do with a laugh!


A New Lapel Pin – I think I may have a problem.

I like gaming pin badges…a lot.

I have a rather…large collection of gaming themed pin badges.  Every week at work I wear a different one, and more often than not the kids there will question me on it.  Seeing as kids these days almost all play video games they tend to be quite interested in what game they’re from.  Some are obvious ones they know (Overwatch and Sonic) whilst others are ones they may not recognise or have heard of but want to find out about (Rainbow 6 and Bioshock).  It’s quite nice that they take an interest and may find an older game that they end up trying out.

Pin badges
How many games can you name?

Anyway, I often find myself scouring etsy and other craft sites for people who make these sort of things to expand my collection.  Very few game developers/publishers make them.  Pinny Arcade have a few good ones, and it was nice to see that Elite Dangerous had a few official ones, but these are rare and more often than not I need to rely on people online having already made them.  I was very pleasantly surprised when someone from Tzar Jewellery asked if I would like a custom made pin for material cost.  Obviously I snapped their hand off (figuratively) and set about thinking what I would like.

Ashbringer World of Warcraft
I’m pretty sure a few of you know what this is.

I wanted something different to the many pins I already had, but one that represented something significant in terms of my gaming life so far.  After some thought I settled on the Ashbringer weapon from World of Warcraft, a game I spent a significant amount of time playing during my university years.  If you aren’t aware, back in the vanilla days of WoW Ashbringer was a legendary sword often hinted at existing but could never actually be acquired by legitimate means.  I understand that players can get hold of it these days, but that’s beside the point!

I was kept up to date with pictures of how the production was coming along.

Once I had decided on the design I consulted with the maker over how it should look, the size of the pin, and any detailing.  He seemed very happy to set it up exactly how I would like it and asked for a number of different high-res pictures to ensure everything was to the correct scale.  Where I was unsure (such as what to do with detailing on the hilt) he was ready with suggestions.  We went with silver for the bulk of the sword, the gems are both eSl1 (which I think is good!) diamonds (one coloured to appear black), and the circle is made from mother of pearl.

Warcraft jewellery
It was interesting to see how it came together over time.

During production I was kept up to date with pictures of how it was coming along at various stages.  It was really interesting to see what looked like a small chunk of metal turn into something really quite impressive over the course of its construction.  I won’t pretend to know anything about metalwork, but I’m sure making something that looks this good takes quite a bit of talent.  Once it was all put together, the pin was hallmarked and given to me when the maker and I had a chance to meet in person.

Here it is, completed and on my work jacket. Apologies for my low quality camera skills!

It looks excellent and I’m really very happy with how it looks.  The pupils at work have asked about it, and whilst none of them know exactly what it is, they’ve all heard of the game that it comes from.  It’s certainly one of my favourites in my collection and I’d like to thank Tzar Jewellery for making this for me.  It really is an excellent piece of work.

Warcraft jewellery
The finished product